Interviewer: So, General, you've just returned from the Eastern Front after the Russian surrender, is there anything you want to say about the fighting there?
General Harper: I will say that the Russians have nothing to be ashamed of, I have a lot of respect for them as opponents, they are men of honour and great bravery.
Interviewer: What about the reports of Russian mass desertion? Are they false?
General Harper: Where I was, in the Fulda Gap, the Russians held their ground tenaciously, and with great bravery. I did hear of desertions and mass surrender, I even witnessed it a few times myself, but that was in the closing months of the campaign, when supplies and basic kit weren't getting through, that's when all that happened. The place where the Russians really had a desertion problem was Finland, all along the Karelian front and into Helsinki, the cold and the miserable conditions just broke their spirits.
Interviewer: As the first British Commander of the European Union Army, did you encounter any problems? The institutionalised bullying of British soldiers by soldiers from other European countries is well documented, did you have any similar experiences?
General Harper: I won't mention any names, but when I first got the job as one of the main field commanders on the Eastern Front, this senior French General threatened to resign rather than "face the shame" of serving under a "rosbif". He eventually decided to keep the job, but he did try to make my life as difficult as possible from that day onward.
Interviwer: Do you think that the way the European Army treats it's British soldiers has changed because of the war?
General Harper: Short answer, no, the British soldier is about four times less likely to receive a promotion for bravery than, say, a French or German soldier and considering that proportionally, more British soldiers died on the Eastern Front than any other nation, that seems insanely unfair. British Soldiers in mixed units were about twenty times more likely to die than their European counterparts. However, Britain was also the only EU nation that surpassed it's recruitment quota every single year, so I guess that your average Squaddie doesn't care too much about the pathetic racism of a Frog or a Sausage-Sucker (laughs).
Interviewer: Is there anything else you'd like to add?
General Harper: Yes, there is. Now we've beaten Russia, we're going south to help the Greeks and Italians reclaim the Mediteranean from the Libyans and Algerians. When that's done we're going to chase the Chinese fleet out of the Indian Ocean, then we're going to chase the Indochinese out of Indonesia and liberate the Japanese home islands. Then we'll attack China. We aren't going to surrender, we're going to win this war, even if it takes another four years...